The Writing on Your Face

I've been reminiscing a lot lately.

I once heard someone say, "Our face is a map of what we've been through and what we've overcome."  

I've got to say, in the last 26 years I've been battling Crohn's disease, it's fair to say I've had my share of stories -stories of pain, stories of joy, stories of laughter, stories of grief, stories of victory and stories of defeat.

It's these stories that show the writing on our faces from all the moments of our lives, whether through adversity or triumph, they show us where we've come from and what we'll overcome. It's these individual stories that build the collective of who we are, including this one I would like to share with you.... 

I was 15 years old when I had my first surgery related to my battle with Crohn's disease. I had a narrowing in my digestive system just open enough to send a mailed letter through. The pain became too much to continue living in the state I was in. The medicines (which weren't as effective as the more modern treatments for Crohn's disease) just weren't working anymore.

My closest loved ones said they could see when I was in pain no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The pain was written all over my face. Having surgery was no longer a choice, it was the only option at this point. 

I still remember that first surgery vividly. I was young, I was sick, I was scared - and it showed all over my face going into that operation.

I remember being wheeled into that Children's Hospital earlier than early....like miserably early. You know the kind of early where you wake up 2 hours before your alarm clock was supposed to go off and you feel relieved when you realize you've got two more hours to sleep. Yeah, I was required to be there at THAT time. Yay me right?!....not really. 😒

I get to the Children's Hospital, and as soon as I was done registering I was immediately brought back to the room where they prep you for surgery. They got the IV in, and my folks and my brother came in to pray and reassure me that everything was going to be alright.

I tried to reassure them with a nod and a smile, affirming their comfort, but no matter what, I couldn't hide what my face was showing - I was terrified. My lips were chattering as if I just took an ice bath in the middle of winter. They could see the fear on my face. but as loved ones do, they try to help in any way, even if being present is the only thing they can do.

The surgeon's team came to let my family know they're wheeling me back to the Operating Room and for them to wait in the waiting area. 

They wheel me back, lips chattering even more aggressively, the head nurse looked at me and said "Honey I'm going to be with you the whole time, right over your shoulder taking care of you." And she did. Again, it was very apparent I was scared by the fear upon my face.

The 'sleepy juices' began flowing through my veins but I wasn't sleepy. My body was going through this nervous shock where my body was fighting against it. I was that scared. My nerves were firing off in a state I'd never felt before then. All of a sudden the surgeon came in and asked, "He's still awake?" 

"Yes", they replied.

"Go ahead and gas him now."

Before the substances of that infamous gas mask ushered me into LaLa Land, I made one last urgent request, "Make sure you knock me out!" And then BAM!!! Within seconds I was out.

My insides were a little worse than the doctors had anticipated so the surgery took longer than usual. As I was waking up from the operation I started to mumble, "Start-ing....to....wake up.......Starting....to wake...up......Starting to wake up......STARTING TO WAKE UP!!" Then a nurse said, "Drew! The surgery's been over for 45 minutes. You're in the recovery room." Still partly out of it I mumbled once more, "Oh......well.....starting to wake up," then slipped back into a morphine dripped dream.

After waiting in recovery, I was wheeled into my hospital room where I'd stay and recover for at least a week.

With my eyes shut, as if I were asleep, I heard my Mom, my Dad and my brother make their way into my room followed by the remainder of my family. There they were, standing alllllllll around me giving those common sentiments that you hear when you first come out of surgery. You know the kind of sentiments like "You did it!" and the "We're proud of you, you're a real warrior." Also the "You did good 👍🏼." And of course, the "We love you" as they pat you on the shoulder to let you know that you came out alright from the surgery.

You know, those kinds of sentiments.

But then there's always that one uncle in the family whose comments always seem to stick out from the rest when that uncle says something like: "Quick, somebody get us a pen and then each of us should write something, all over his face while he's asleep..." not knowing I was actually awake at the moment, I garnered all the strength I had and murmured to their surprise..."Just so you know, I'm still here...".

Of course all of my family began laughing uncontrollably, especially my hilarious uncle, who realized he's just been busted! It was if that moment of laughter had just cut through the pain and the fear that had filled that room moments ago, like a knife through soft butter.

At last, I had hope written on my face.

Whatever you're going through, I understand it can be scary. It can be discouraging, and painful, as well as grueling. I know, fellow Spoonies, that when someone asks you, "How are you doing?" it's easy to say ,"I'm Good" or "I'm Ok!" when in reality your face has something completely different written on it.

I've said it before but it's true.... It's ok to not be ok sometimes.

It is important to remember to bleed out sometimes, the pains and hurts we've had or are going through.

Even with pain or fear written on our faces, it's important to remember & be thankful for where we've come from, what we've overcome, and that we have a map yet to be written for our lives.

That no matter the pain, the sickness, the struggles we go through, just remember to look in the mirror, face to face, and remind ourselves...

that...."I'm Still here."

I'm proud of you all. Be encouraged by what you've overcome and what you are overcoming. 

Much love everyone,

~D&S~

The Writing on Your Face